.

I still think about you, sometimes. And every time I do I can't help but to think that I was never good enough for you.

I mean if I was, why would you leave me for another, right?

Why would you leave me for someone that has hurt your countless times? (according to what you told me) And the fact that she has done whatever she did to you and you still chose to go back to her despite whatever that I have done shows a lot.

I mean... When you came back after that incident, I was prepared to watch you leave. But I was not prepared for the waves of emotions that would just hit me randomly at random periods the day. And that is something i really hate a lot.

Not being able to control my emotions is something so frustrating.

And even though I was prepared about you leaving me again, I still believed all the words that you told me.

Maybe I was really stupid. Maybe you were really selfish. Maybe it's both.

But it's just really painful you fooled me three times, and you made me hurt three times.

I just think it's so unfair that I am the one so affected, and I am the one hurt by this whole situation while you are just living your life happily, as if I never existed.

I would say that after this whole thing that we had (not even sure what it was to be really honest), I learnt many things.

But then again those "many things" I have warned myself about before you existed. And I have built a wall around myself to make sure that that "many things" won't affect me or hurt me, and it worked because for the past years of my life, I have been protecting myself. But it was only for you that it was so easy for me to break my walls and let you enter.

It was only you that it was so easy for me to show my feelings. It was only you that I've done so many things for the first time (something I thought I'd never do to any boy ever).

And that is something I really regret a lot.

Rebound.

I don't know what you take me for. But I know I don't want to be that person.

I've never been this hurt over anyone before.
Telling my close friends about my share of this story was really painful, but I couldn't keep it in anymore.

"I've known you for almost half my life Amni, and I've never seen you in this state before."

I like you. A lot. I haven't had feelings for anyone this much before. And what's worse is that I thought we actually had something going on.

Maybe I was thinking too much.

But what about all the things you told me?

"Abeh dah rindu, you taknak jumpa."
"Because every time I wake up, I think of you."

"Why didn't you just ask me first?"
"Because I have no say in your personal life."
"But what if I tell you.. you do?"

"I have a crush also. Very cute girl. Guess who :)"

"I like you"

Did you really mean what you said to me? Was I such a fool till you had to stuff me with words that you didn't mean?

Countless times I've been hurt by what you've done. So many. And I still stayed. I don't know but with you I'm so weak.

"From what I know you're a sarcastic strong woman with these boys. This is not the Amni I know."

This is too not the Amni I know.

"Kau dah sayang."

Every time you hurt me, I keep giving you reasons to why you have behaved that way. Every time you apologise I give in. And even up till now, even up till today, I still gave you a reason to why you lied to me, to why you still went to meet her despite telling me how much you "hated" her.

I'm still defending you even though I've been crying the past few nights.

But I don't think I can take it anymore. If you're the one you're not supposed to make me feel bad about myself. I'm supposed to be happy with you.

Sure, of course there are days that you make me feel happy and special. But I was too blind to realised the ratio to that and the number of times you've hurt me is probably 1:5

If you guys get back together I wish the both of you the best of luck. I hope you're happy with your decision.

Thank you for the past few months that you gave me. It was indeed a pleasure knowing you.
Thank you for making me feel feelings I've never felt before.

I am sorry if I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry that I'm not as talented as her, as thin as her or as pretty as her. Sorry I'm not so likeable and I don't know how to comfort you when you're at your worst.

I'm sure she's better at everything and that's why you still choose to go crawling back to her despite whatever that she has done to you, and despite me giving you my 100%.

I'm sorry my 100% was your 20%.

"I don't fuck with girls' feelings. If I'm not interested I won't go this far. Is that clear my dear?"

ha. fucking bullshit.

If anyone is even reading this, never ever ever be too attached to people that just broke up. You will get hurt.

And to those that just broke up, please do us a favour and don't play with our hearts. Don't make use of us just to replace the memories and times you shared with your previous lover.

-

I've learnt many things since what happened to me three years ago. The scars that are still very prominent now make me realised that I have lived, and I have became a better person. 

Since then, I've decided not to care about what people think about me. Because afterall, it is my life. I paint my life. And since then, I've smiled more, talked more and become more confident. 

But not until you came into my life. Actually no, when you appeared I was still fine. It's when I started working with you. 

You make me feel like a speck of dust, you make me feel pathetic. You make me feel like shit. 

I have always been able to take jokes. Any jokes. I even joke about myself and laugh at my own mistakes.

But my weight is something that I will always be insecure about. I can have perfect teeth or pretty eyes or a nice personality but as long as I'm fat, I will never look at myself like someone that's worthy enough.

So thank you for pointing out my flaw and making fun of it when I have longed forgotten about it. Thank you for making me remember that whatever that's inside doesn't matter for as long as you are more than a size 6. Thank you for telling everyone, even people that I do not know about me liking to "eat all the time" or no one is "larat enough to carry me".

Ya I'm fucking fat I know.

Thank you for exaggerating whatever that happened those few days and making everyone think that I'm a greedy cranky glutton. It's people like you that recreates that small voice that used to exist in my head years ago.

"stop eating you fat fuck"

Thank you for making me feel like how I used to years ago. 

May!

Hello guess who's back!! so many things happened and I can't wait to share :-)

Backstreet Boys' Concert

Basically many things happened............. and the first thing was Backstreet Boys' Concert!! They were so good and the crowd was amazing and everything was just so surreal sigh let me rewind time :'(

The best thing was I knew like 80% of the songs and even if I didn't it was still fun HAIS and they sang like only 20 seconds of Drowning which is like my all time fav MY HEART

Piala Sekuntum Seni

Next is my birthday!! hahaha but during that day it was also Piala Sekuntum Seni! That was also the first competition that I wasn't excited about at all. Probably because I could see the "behind the scenes" and no longer in my "naive" world. And this was also a pretty challenging period for me and the committee because commitment from everybody memang rabak and I didn't know we actually could back out of the competition hahahaha I was very sure Ive talked to Nutt about it btut I didn't know ultimately we had the overall say haha but whatever la barang dah lepas

We also had like people backing out of the competition 2 days before the actual day hahha macam wtf but thank you to those yang came down for training only 2 days before the comp?! thank u so much la really appreciate it hahah anyway pictures

And then when I got on stage people were like "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AURORA/AMNI" and ofc I was happy la. Then I heard a very familiar voice screaming my name?! I heard Azlin's and Hidayah's voice and I got super confused because I was pretty sure Hidayah left for Malacca in the morning?!

But then I thought wrong because they were all there to surprise me for my birthday :') 

So what happened was I was getting out of my costume etc. etc. and then the people that were in chare of us at the holding room was like "ada orang tengah cari Amni..?" then I was abit worried hahahah siapa tak seram sey but when I went out there they were singing me a happy birthday!!

Was really very touched because I never expect them to come for any of my dikir performances or anything like that and this was all so unexpected :')

And then when I was still taking photos with them Nutt came out and was like faster Amni we have like only another 10 mins to change then I was like omg omg ok ok then I quickly entered and as I entered they all sang me a birthday song and apparently no one was actually rushing us :')

And the day ended with me going for Supper with Asdira, Fatin & Faizah at Jalan Kayu!! and then slept over Faizah's house and Fatin couldn't stop biting my cheeks :-D

My birthday!

And still on the topic of my birthday! I got another surprise from my friends before dikir training. Really another surprise that I really was not expecting at all. 

Apparently I was "helping" Fatin film an interview for her project and a few of the questions were

"how important is technology in your daily lives?"
"do you frequently use your phone for school?"

"Have u ever gotten a phone for your birthday before?"
"What if I tell you there are people with birthday gift right behind you?" 

And then masih ah I answered her question without even thinking that there were actually people behind me hahahahahahahhah hais but I really was very surprised thank you 

I actually had lunch with Kakak at Four fingers before that and there was a point in time when Kakak said "OMG" and refused to tell me what happened.

Apparently Asdira walked in front of us with a "Happy Birthday" balloon and I didn't notice at all. That's how oblivious I am to my surroundings hahaha

 

 Photographer terhebat

Other than that we had Parents' Day Dinner as well as TWCC open house. We also had Dania Chalet but not many photos were taken on that day?! 

But just know that the host of the Parents' Day dinner flirted with Yat on stage while Kak Nat was just at the back ahahahh that was the highlight of the day man hahaha

And another even was Anderson's Carnival! I think Anderson turned 55 or something so they made a carnival but I spent $10 on the coupons only not to use it at all. Everything was sold out by the time we got there :') 

But whatever it was I got to meet many friends that I haven't spoken to in ages and got to spend time with Boobz even though it was for a short while! 

 

    

 

     

And that was basically it for the month of May :-) Till next time!! really wanna update about Serumpun now but this has been a long ass post so.. bye :P

Thank you

I keep thinking about how things would've been if you didn't react the way you did and if I didn't react the way I did. But I think it's time to let go and I should move on. 

I honestly have never felt the way you made me feel. I have never been so confused in my life before lol. Sometimes you made me so happy I just want to smile all day and hug everyone, and sometimes you leave me so angry I want to strangle everybody that I see. But whatever feeling that was, it was nice. 

Thank you for being able to stand my mood swings and my complains. 

Thank you for noticing when I'm not in a good mood (even though I insisted I was okay and got annoyed after you refuse to believe. Secretly I felt happy that u didn't believe me. haha)

Thank you for always trying to make me feel happy. 

And thank you for always telling me to keep smiling.

I know I am a very difficult person but despite all that, you still stayed. It was nice while it lasted and you weren't a waste of time.

There were so many things that I wanted to know about you, and there were so many things that I thought we could've done. But like they say, some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever.

Here's my goodbye. You deserve someone better :-)

Andayu, andayu kami ~

hello! The past few weeks with Andayu (Malay Cultural Group) has been really amazing!

I still remember how five months ago i literally knew and talked to NO ONE other than the ones that were in Dewi. But now I've widened my social circle and improved on my social skills :P

But anyhoo, my first event with Andayu this year was Club Crawl! I think it means babies (freshies) crawling around the sports hall looking for a CCA haha.

But anyway, I was appointed to be in Club Crawl's committee as an in charge of the booth deco alongside with Afiq, Hadi and Omar.

Honestly I was really afraid because the only people that were in the committee that I talked to was Wawa (she is in Dewi) and Lush (she talks to everyone). But then after the end of everything I am still glad that I was given the opportunity to be in the comm because now I have more friends from the other subgroups in Andayu.

Pictures!

 (our "first draft haha)

final product!

 SECOND DAY

Sharmila got super excited after she realised we did the same face without planning

And after Club Crawl we have... MCG ORIENTATION!

Once again I was scared because my social skills?? is very bad?? I will obviously fail as an OGL??

But anyway the evening was really fun solving clues and coming up with cheers and stuff. Even though our cheer was quite lame at first but I think the judges were quite impressed with our final cheer?? HAHA

Also gotta give two thumbs up to those in charge of games because the clues for the amazing race were really interesting!

Ok so the theme for this year's orientation was like Malay Song of the current world I think or something like that and me & Faizah (she's my partner OGL!) got this song called tepi sikit

lol hate that song because everytime it comes on the radio my nephew and nieces will start pushing me when they sing "tepi sikit". 

But anyway blabla me and faiz really wasn't expecting a top 3 and I even told my group "if we dont win please dont be disheartened because what's important is yall enjoyed today" but WOW?? IMPRESSIVE???? we got 2nd place?? hahah ok more pictures :P

Now let's hope that they all stay because from past experiences (not that I have experienced many) only 1/4 will. And they have been a bunch of fun people and I really hope to see them soon!

Also just a piece of advice don't wear face paint if you're gonna sweat like heck afterwards.

To more Andayu events! :-)