I don't know what you take me for. But I know I don't want to be that person.
I've never been this hurt over anyone before.
Telling my close friends about my share of this story was really painful, but I couldn't keep it in anymore.
"I've known you for almost half my life Amni, and I've never seen you in this state before."
I like you. A lot. I haven't had feelings for anyone this much before. And what's worse is that I thought we actually had something going on.
Maybe I was thinking too much.
But what about all the things you told me?
"Abeh dah rindu, you taknak jumpa."
"Because every time I wake up, I think of you."
"Why didn't you just ask me first?"
"Because I have no say in your personal life."
"But what if I tell you.. you do?"
"I have a crush also. Very cute girl. Guess who :)"
"I like you"
Did you really mean what you said to me? Was I such a fool till you had to stuff me with words that you didn't mean?
Countless times I've been hurt by what you've done. So many. And I still stayed. I don't know but with you I'm so weak.
"From what I know you're a sarcastic strong woman with these boys. This is not the Amni I know."
This is too not the Amni I know.
"Kau dah sayang."
Every time you hurt me, I keep giving you reasons to why you have behaved that way. Every time you apologise I give in. And even up till now, even up till today, I still gave you a reason to why you lied to me, to why you still went to meet her despite telling me how much you "hated" her.
I'm still defending you even though I've been crying the past few nights.
But I don't think I can take it anymore. If you're the one you're not supposed to make me feel bad about myself. I'm supposed to be happy with you.
Sure, of course there are days that you make me feel happy and special. But I was too blind to realised the ratio to that and the number of times you've hurt me is probably 1:5
If you guys get back together I wish the both of you the best of luck. I hope you're happy with your decision.
Thank you for the past few months that you gave me. It was indeed a pleasure knowing you.
Thank you for making me feel feelings I've never felt before.
I am sorry if I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry that I'm not as talented as her, as thin as her or as pretty as her. Sorry I'm not so likeable and I don't know how to comfort you when you're at your worst.
I'm sure she's better at everything and that's why you still choose to go crawling back to her despite whatever that she has done to you, and despite me giving you my 100%.
I'm sorry my 100% was your 20%.
"I don't fuck with girls' feelings. If I'm not interested I won't go this far. Is that clear my dear?"
ha. fucking bullshit.
If anyone is even reading this, never ever ever be too attached to people that just broke up. You will get hurt.
And to those that just broke up, please do us a favour and don't play with our hearts. Don't make use of us just to replace the memories and times you shared with your previous lover.
